I Am Not Ashamed

I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year. Living in isolation and circumventing a world unseen by man has made for unforgettable experiences, while also teaching me invaluable life lessons - but that didn’t come without strife. This past year has been a struggle! My anxiety has won more often than not, depression crept its way back into my life, and for far too long I lacked the motivation to do anything outside of basic survival. Yet, despite all of those hardships I write to you all with a smile on my face, excited to be feeling the first sense of normalcy I’ve had in a long time. The road back to Kae has been long and winding. It has taken unimaginable fortitude to free myself from the prison created by COVID and my own thoughts, but the hard work has allowed me to achieve a level of freedom and confidence that once seemed unattainable. And despite societies antiquated views of men’s expression of their emotions. I’m ready to speak my truth!

There have been several areas of my life where I’ve allowed my insecurities to hold me captive. Often using privacy as a ploy to mask the fear of vulnerability on topics my insecurities ran most wild. My thoughts, views and opinions on masculinity were molded by society, and affected my everyday life. But in unlearning those ideals I’ve felt real power. Men tend to shy away from conversations surrounding love, grief and mental health because any response that indicates struggle is seen as weakness. Luckily for me I was raised in a household that never subscribed to that mindset, and as a result I’ve found great strength in having dialogue in those areas. Great transparency has been displayed in those chats, but the depth of the conversations were shallow due to the imprisonment of my insecurities at times. But I no longer feel shame for going through life. I’m not ashamed to say as a 31 year old man I desire marriage, children and a family. I was blessed to have seen several healthy relationships growing up, while also experiencing my own with my parents. The bond between man and wife, father and child is something I knew as an adolescent I wanted, and that desire has only grown with me now having God-children and witnessing firsthand the joy and elevation that comes from having the right partner and beautiful children. With that being said, I’m also at a point where I have to prepare for the possibility of life without those things, which is a position I never thought I’d be in. I’m aware that at 31 years of age and still in an earlier stage of life, but I feel myself becoming more and more jaded from bad personal experiences and limited examples of healthy relationships amongst my peers. Marriage isn’t valued the same. Monogamy seems to be a joke, and settling appears to be the new normal. People just don’t seem to be happy. And though I very much desire to be a dad and husband, it can not come at the expense of my happiness, as that is the ultimate goal. But I would be remiss to not acknowledge that the inability to experience that love and connection with someone would come with great dejection.

Love and relationships are a gamble, because often where they exist, so does heartbreak, and I’m not ashamed to say that I still have trauma from the latter. However, my trauma derives from the death of loved ones, not failed romance and relationships. In my blog “Legend Never Dies” I detailed the PTSD that has come from losing a plethora of friends and family, also speaking to the direct impact those deaths have had on my personal and professional life. But I’ve never spoken to the survivor’s guilt that also comes with that. Throughout my life I’ve been through numerous life-threatening events. Some due to stupidity, others by happenstance, yet somehow I’m here today to speak on it. After seeing the passing of so many great mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, husbands, wives, PEOPLE - it becomes difficult to understand why your life is seemingly more valuable than theirs. I believe this feeling has a lot to do with faith - which is a conversation for another day - as well as self-perception, but either way living purposefully is the only way I know to rid myself of the guilt. So as I continue to create my new normal, learning how to live with the pieces of me missing from the passing of each loved one, I’ll continue to make each day count in honor of those who are no longer able.

I briefly touched on my own self-perception which is akin to a topic that has become very trendy on social media - self-love. Though a lot of things I’ve seen regarding this have been performative in nature, that doesn’t negate the validity of the topic. I think self-love is directly connected to self-image, and I’m not ashamed to say that people’s perception of me has affected how I’ve viewed myself. When you’re constantly reminded of the worst of you by peers, family etc. you eventually start to believe it, and that’s exactly what happened. I lost sight of who I was, listening to what people believed me to be. I once heard someone say “my past is immortalized so much it acts as my present.” And I don’t know if I’ve ever heard anything more relatable. I’ve been called an asshole, mean, pessimistic, and honestly I’ve fulfilled all of those roles at one point of my life, but those labels no longer represent who I am. However, it’s hard to escape that characterization when perception has replaced reality. The past few years I’ve been intentional on improving my overall energy, attitude, and perception. I’ve formed new, healthier habits and relationships; while also beginning therapy with a new therapist, and I noticed a huge change. The problem was I looked to others to validate my progress, and instead got nothing but disappointment. I learned that people are quick to acknowledge regression but not growth; and for some, you will never be more than what you were, and you have to be ok with that. It took time, but I can honestly say I love who I am, and I’ll never let anyone or anybody shake my confidence again.

The reconfiguration of my self-image required hard work, patience, and HELP. It’s hard getting out of those dark places, and I’m not ashamed to say therapy is what got me through. There's a stigma attached to therapy within my community, and I hope my transparency will help disband that perception, if even by just a little. I was lucky enough to be raised in a household where therapy was normalized, but I still rejected the idea of it when it was first introduced to me due to the belief that it was for “crazy people”. I obviously was mistaken, and once I was receptive to attending a session I quickly learned the benefits. While my friends have given me great advice on a multitude of issues, speaking to a completely objective, licensed professional was life changing for me. I learned that my friends couldn’t really help me in the ways I needed, nor was it their responsibility to do so. Putting our problems on loved ones is a selfish act because they now have to carry our problems with their own, and most of us aren’t equipped to do that. If you feel like you’re not your normal self GET HELP! Your mental health is important. There are a ton of resources and programs for mental health services available for everyone - utilize them! And by all means, please take care of yourself! There’s absolutely no shame in needing help.

Above all, I hope my candor has conveyed that it’s okay not to be okay; Sorrow, frustration, discouragement, regret are all normal emotions; Happiness is a full-time job that requires continuous work; and YOU have to take care of YOU first, or you’ll be no good to anyone.

Lastly, I want you all to know that…

YOU ARE SMART. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE COURAGEOUS. YOU ARE DESERVING OF GOOD THINGS AND GOOD PEOPLE. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE.

Because sometimes you need to hear that from someone other than yourself.